My name is Millie and I’m a Border collie and you can probably recognise me from the photograph above. But in case you’re not sure or haven’t got your glasses on, I’m the good looking one on the right.
I think it necessary before I begin my tale of woe, for you to understand that I’m not the sort of dog that complains and makes a big fuss about things like some I could mention. That Great Dane at No 26 for instance, whose not always as great as she makes out I can tell you, spending her whole life at the vets with imaginary aches and pains. And then there’s the imperious Leopold, who I think has regular home perms, but we don’t mention it as he gets easily upset and anyway he’s so big and tall that we use him as an umbrella when it rains and I think he hardly notices his curls are in such abundance!
Then there’s the twins Doris and Elvis sporting ridiculous pink and blue bows, who wear tartan jackets in the winter and can’t string two woofs together without looking at each other for confirmation.
I also want to tell you a secret as long as you promise not to say anything to anyone, about my real friend Chuckles. Chuckles is a handsome red haired Spaniel who doesn’t look a bit like he really is – all morose and fed up. He’s clever and funny, which you’d never believe with that ‘hang dog’ expression. To be quite truthful, we’re in love. In fact we had talked about getting married because he’s a dog you see and I’m a dogess so it would have been all right, but after long deliberations I decided I couldn’t leave my family and take on another one. I know it’s the thing nowadays, but I just couldn’t do it!
But I digress, so I suppose at this point it would be as well to mention the other person in the photo as he’s what this is all about! I’ll say it quickly as for the moment; it still sticks in my throat a little. His name is Spencer and he’s my very very bestest friend in the whole world, in fact the whole universe if it comes to that, well at least I thought he was.
As I’ve said before I’m not the fussy or complaining type at all, in fact I’m pretty well known in Biddenden, that’s the place where I live, as ‘faithful Millie’, ‘obedient Millie’, ‘unselfish Millie’ and ‘undemanding Millie’, you name it that’s me, for ever and ever and ever Amen! Kind of thing. Although I have to say I did and do object to all these descriptions of late, being prefaced by the words ‘poor’ and ‘old’, poor old Millie, poor faithful old Millie and such like, because I’m neither poor or old! But, this all began when this other person in the photo bought a motorbike!!
Well I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t, in fact it was beyond belief! He knew (this person that I’m not going to mention) that I hated motorbikes! That and the postman are the only two things I really make a big noise about, but motorbikes take the biscuit. You could say they are almost my ‘bete noir’. The worst part of it was, that nobody but nobody gave the slightest consideration to my feelings. It was then that I decided to go ‘public’! I did at one point consider writing to ‘Dog’s Anonymous’ as I knew I was beginning to suffer from depression and I’ve seen depressed dogs in my time and believe me you don’t want to know!
However, it appeared to me that everyone else, even the neighbours were jubilant, leaping on the back of the thing, gazing at it for hours, going for rides, talking about bash plates and goodness knows what other nonsense they could cook up. Although I have to admit, they did at least have the decency to offer me a go, but “no way” I said. I spent a considerable amount of time trying to explain all this to Chuckles, but he couldn’t understand either, just told me to bide my time. “How long for, I’d like to know?” I wailed, but he couldn’t help so I gave up.
Then there was a very funny thing, the word ‘Circumnavigation’ kept coming up! Well I do understand a great many words but this wasn’t one of them. I tried consulting Jeremy the Labrador, whose a bit of an academic and he said he thought it was something to do with going round and round, rather like when you keep following your tail. Well that didn’t add up either. Anyway things went from bad to worse. Every morning was the same and this went on for nearly a year! Imagine my nerves if you please, it was almost beyond endurance. Spencer was getting up at the crack of dawn waking me in the process and off we would go, the two of us, to Nanny and Grandpas, (something else I could never understand as neither of them look like me), but that’s another conundrum! And also I knew Nanny couldn’t stand motorbikes so why were we going there every minute of the day. I did try to ask in my ‘woof woof’ kind of way and was told the ‘Headquarters’ was at Nanny’s! No satisfaction there then.
Anyway this frenetic behaviour went on for about a year and then on November 1st 2009 the most terrible day of my life struck! This person, (you know who I mean), took off on the dreaded machine, having the cheek to wave to everyone whilst I stayed at home and cried. No one cared about me, no one even told me – he was just gone! I was pretty desolate I can tell you, even thought about hanging myself with my lead from the door handle, but Chuckles and all the other dogs gathered round, licking my face and promising help and loyalty by one and all ‘till the end of time’, whatever that meant.
Well time went on and in all honesty I have to admit things did get considerably easier. Cathy and Jez took me for walks, not quite the same mind you, but I didn’t complain. I had good food and was feeling pretty healthy and content, but then I have been told that dog’s have difficulty with time so perhaps the following year didn’t feel as long as it was.
However, don’t get the wrong idea, things weren’t exactly all the ticket, I always knew there was someone, (won’t mention his name) missing from my life and when I thought about him I would have a little cry in the night when no one could see and prayed to the Doggie God in Doggie Heaven to send him home from this dreaded thing called ‘Circumnavigation’. Chuckles and my friends did their best to keep me happy and one day we all went swimming in a pond, where we shouldn’t have been, practicing our best doggie paddle stroke, renowned throughout the world for it’s excellence, but I wasn’t really happy.
But then it happened. I had just come back from a walk, went indoors towards my water bowl when I heard a whispering sound coming from behind the settee, a sound I recognised, it said, “Flippy I’m here”. No one else, no one in the world called me Flippy except my bestest friend in the entire world, Spencer. Well to be honest, I think you could say, I kind of lost it. I couldn’t contain myself, I jumped over the settee, leapt back and forth across the armchairs, round and round in circles, doing my own circumnavigation! HE WAS BACK – and life could go on as before.
Being such a celebration, I did think about telling him I might marry Chuckles but it somehow didn’t seem the right moment. The moment was just for the love affair between Spencer and me – his Dog Millie!
I never did find out what the ‘Circumnavigation’ thing was all about, but I can tell you if he ever tries it again, I’m going to quickly learn to ride and go along too. If I stuff up my ears then maybe it won’t be quite so bad – after all I will be with my very very bested friend who will keep me safe from harm, for ever and ever, Amen. That’s my final word on the matter!
Millie
P.S. Apparently there’s this thing called the ‘internet’ where you can check out where my bestest friend Spencer has been, by clicking here www.africa-bike-adventure.com
P.P.S. I understand my bestest friend is now writing a book about this ‘circumnavigation’ thing and is producing a DVD (whatever that is) – so look out for it. Perhaps someone will buy me a copy so I can see what took him so long to come back|!